( I don't know what this is - was just suddenly reminded of my childhood o_O . Random musing . )
Suddenly , I am reminded of childhood .
Living in oblivion ; living without a worry .
Sounds heavenly , right ?
But no , I was never happy as a child . ( Apart from those brief , occasional happy moments , like on family holidays or whatever )
I always found things to worry about o_O .
Weird .
And I hated being ' noob ' ; I wanted to know everything , but never knew really anything at all .
I don't know .
Most people associate childhood with big , awesome dreams , fluffy clouds , blue skies .
Silly songs and jokes .
Memories with blurred edges and hazy filters .
Always sunlit ; perhaps even sepia in their romanticism .
But I remember , when I think of childhood , hating ; anger ; being a loner ; crying ; kicking ; screaming ; fighting .
Being bullied ; bad self esteem .
I guess I really craved friendship and understanding , but never found it in other people , finding their innocent interest in me nosy and annoying .
All my big dreams slapping me back in the face .
Weirder still , I had , and still have , really awesome , loving parents .
I am so blessed that they are even more stubborn than me , when it comes to what I want , and think is best .
I mean , they're not perfect . Never perfect .
There are so many things they could have done better .
My Heavenly Father , on the other hand ...
I wanted to die .
But He gave me life .
Real life .
If I could go back ...
I don't know .
Would I ?
Back to emotional turmoil .
It took me a while to grow up .
I'd much rather keep going forwards , when I have You ; all I need .
( I guess the thing about happy holidays contrasts to my most recent holiday - Hong Kong and Thailand . It broke my heart to see those people ; some poor , oppressed by corruption ; others greedy . All needing His Love and Grace , but few knowing it .
Perhaps I've grown up a lot , but there's still a looooooooooong way to go , towards Him :) . )
No comments:
Post a Comment