This is where I can't, I can't, I can't
do anything
at all
but pray fervently
that you will save me.
See, I'm weak; I've been trying
but I simply can't do it.
Will you do it for me?
You promise me you will never let me down;
you who see the big picture.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Baby :)
Yay! Church friends apparently have a new baby now! (Lol that sounds weird, like the baby just suddenly appeared)
I've always wondered how it feels like to have a baby. Especially your first child.
It's like... Your whole life changed overnight?
Suddenly a huge responsibility put on you.
A new life to nurture; a new mouth to feed.
A part of you, and the one you love.
How amazing is that?
To the world, it's just another human being now;
Another first breath; see who gets the last breath now.
Fight for the best.
And it's so incredibly vulnerable;
Essentially deaf and blind and lame and mute.
You can't protect it anymore.
It will make its own decisions from now on.
But all this? I don't think you'd care.
You'd be too busy, falling in love with those eyes- perhaps a bit small to be conventionally 'cute' or 'pretty' when it grows up- those ears- just a bit big- those tiny feet.
Marveling at what hand; what design could have created this tiny piece of wonder. (On that note, the hundreds of nerves that make up the thing that is your eye? I don't believe we could 'evolve' that so perfectly =33)
You're in love; you're in love :).
From day one.
It's just more and more amazement and wonder and beauty, everyday from now on.
---
We often say 'God delights in us, because he created us, beautiful'.
And I used to always think, 'cool; so God's like an artist, falling in love with his artwork', and think that it would be in the same way as one of us writing a really nice song and falling in love with it, or writing a poem or taking a photo, or something cool.
It's beautiful, right? So it deserves 'loving'.
But you know what? I'd forgotten his love.
So now, as I look back and reflect, I can't believe I missed it earlier.
He loves us, as a father marvels at the beauty of a child.
(How awesome it is, that we have earthly fathers to model a small-scale version of this love!)
I've always wondered how it feels like to have a baby. Especially your first child.
It's like... Your whole life changed overnight?
Suddenly a huge responsibility put on you.
A new life to nurture; a new mouth to feed.
A part of you, and the one you love.
How amazing is that?
To the world, it's just another human being now;
Another first breath; see who gets the last breath now.
Fight for the best.
And it's so incredibly vulnerable;
Essentially deaf and blind and lame and mute.
You can't protect it anymore.
It will make its own decisions from now on.
But all this? I don't think you'd care.
You'd be too busy, falling in love with those eyes- perhaps a bit small to be conventionally 'cute' or 'pretty' when it grows up- those ears- just a bit big- those tiny feet.
Marveling at what hand; what design could have created this tiny piece of wonder. (On that note, the hundreds of nerves that make up the thing that is your eye? I don't believe we could 'evolve' that so perfectly =33)
You're in love; you're in love :).
From day one.
It's just more and more amazement and wonder and beauty, everyday from now on.
---
We often say 'God delights in us, because he created us, beautiful'.
And I used to always think, 'cool; so God's like an artist, falling in love with his artwork', and think that it would be in the same way as one of us writing a really nice song and falling in love with it, or writing a poem or taking a photo, or something cool.
It's beautiful, right? So it deserves 'loving'.
But you know what? I'd forgotten his love.
So now, as I look back and reflect, I can't believe I missed it earlier.
He loves us, as a father marvels at the beauty of a child.
(How awesome it is, that we have earthly fathers to model a small-scale version of this love!)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Recycle :)
Don't you just wish time would stop sometimes?
I wish time would stop, so I could sleep all I wanted :).
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
---
I really like to recycle things, but what can I do with discarded flyers? They're made of really pretty paper, and are printed so nicely. Would be a waste to chuck them out, after reading the info on them. And I can't use them as scrap paper either; pen ink wouldn't show through.
Hmm. Maybe I'll keep some, to make something out of them. Maybe cut them up in squares and patchwork a book? I shall see.
But my mum hates me collecting 'rubbish' D;.
---
Yay just made a notebook out of paper. Will contact it soon.
I wish time would stop, so I could sleep all I wanted :).
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
---
I really like to recycle things, but what can I do with discarded flyers? They're made of really pretty paper, and are printed so nicely. Would be a waste to chuck them out, after reading the info on them. And I can't use them as scrap paper either; pen ink wouldn't show through.
Hmm. Maybe I'll keep some, to make something out of them. Maybe cut them up in squares and patchwork a book? I shall see.
But my mum hates me collecting 'rubbish' D;.
---
Yay just made a notebook out of paper. Will contact it soon.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Settling for Second Best. (Ramble #2); Contentment With Discontentment
Today, Mr. Short talked about the recurring theme of contentment with mundaneness/mundanity? (dunno which word it is :() in TS Eliot's and WB Yate's poems.
It was actually something I picked up in 'Morning at the Window'; there seemed to be this sort of resignation, in the fact that the world is screwed up, and life is empty and meaningless, but we can't do anything about it; therefore, we need to just accept life the way it is.
'Contentment with Discontentment' is how I phrased it in my analysis lol.
But I dunno he never talked about it then, and I thought I was just over-reading the poem.
Except today, when he talked about it, it really shocked me. It seemed to be a completely foreign and shocking idea; that some one would actually live their life by this kind of philosophy?
Well, I was thinking about it just then in the shower (lol; I think of everything in the shower), and I think I know why I was so shocked now.
Okay, so my social circle consists of, basically: NSGs, NSBs, other selective school goers, churchies, other Christian brothers and sisters from various schools and unis.
The demographics of everyone is shockingly, astounding, shamefully (to me) similar.
And, so, this kind of demographic produces many of the same people: as NSGs and other academically 'smart' people, we know we're smart; we're self-motivated (in general); we all profess to have some sort of purpose. Even if not anything 'big', e.g. discovering a cure for cancer, most of us still have some goal, right? To be doctors, lawyers, dentists; and to go from there- we know we have potential, and we strive to fulfill it.
And as Christians, similarly, we have purpose and amazing stuff to look forward to in Him!
The other alternative, also quite common, unfortunately, is often depression. Crashing; falling.
But to hear some one say they're fine with staying mundane? Mediocre?
Honestly, for a moment, as I heard Mr. Short suggest this notion, I thought, 'what's wrong with it?' I mean, it seems to be reality (lol; ironically, it's a post-modern idea, and in post-modernism, there is no real, true 'truth' or 'reality)- life sucks, and there's nothing we can do about it.
But okay.
Most people have a goal in life to be happy. Will mediocrity, mundanity and boredom make you happy? I don't know. I shouldn't think so, but if you seriously would be content, then I have no right to say anything.
And there's a lot of other points as to why this notion does not really work out, but that's not my point.
I guess I have gotten two main things out of my musings (lol):
1. The people I'm associated with- I'm ashamed of how narrow my friendship group is. As this song I'm listening to right now (Ocean of Mine- Playjerise. LOVE THIS SONG), 'why is it so easy to stay in the same place?'- I need to step out of my comfort zone. There is a whole world out there; but also individuals, in need of love.
2. Settling for second best reminds me of what Adro talked about at RICE Revo: luke-warmness. Our Father has given us 'every spiritual gift' there is (Ephesians), and longs to amaze and love us.
May we let him do so.
It was actually something I picked up in 'Morning at the Window'; there seemed to be this sort of resignation, in the fact that the world is screwed up, and life is empty and meaningless, but we can't do anything about it; therefore, we need to just accept life the way it is.
'Contentment with Discontentment' is how I phrased it in my analysis lol.
But I dunno he never talked about it then, and I thought I was just over-reading the poem.
Except today, when he talked about it, it really shocked me. It seemed to be a completely foreign and shocking idea; that some one would actually live their life by this kind of philosophy?
Well, I was thinking about it just then in the shower (lol; I think of everything in the shower), and I think I know why I was so shocked now.
Okay, so my social circle consists of, basically: NSGs, NSBs, other selective school goers, churchies, other Christian brothers and sisters from various schools and unis.
The demographics of everyone is shockingly, astounding, shamefully (to me) similar.
And, so, this kind of demographic produces many of the same people: as NSGs and other academically 'smart' people, we know we're smart; we're self-motivated (in general); we all profess to have some sort of purpose. Even if not anything 'big', e.g. discovering a cure for cancer, most of us still have some goal, right? To be doctors, lawyers, dentists; and to go from there- we know we have potential, and we strive to fulfill it.
And as Christians, similarly, we have purpose and amazing stuff to look forward to in Him!
The other alternative, also quite common, unfortunately, is often depression. Crashing; falling.
But to hear some one say they're fine with staying mundane? Mediocre?
Honestly, for a moment, as I heard Mr. Short suggest this notion, I thought, 'what's wrong with it?' I mean, it seems to be reality (lol; ironically, it's a post-modern idea, and in post-modernism, there is no real, true 'truth' or 'reality)- life sucks, and there's nothing we can do about it.
But okay.
Most people have a goal in life to be happy. Will mediocrity, mundanity and boredom make you happy? I don't know. I shouldn't think so, but if you seriously would be content, then I have no right to say anything.
And there's a lot of other points as to why this notion does not really work out, but that's not my point.
I guess I have gotten two main things out of my musings (lol):
1. The people I'm associated with- I'm ashamed of how narrow my friendship group is. As this song I'm listening to right now (Ocean of Mine- Playjerise. LOVE THIS SONG), 'why is it so easy to stay in the same place?'- I need to step out of my comfort zone. There is a whole world out there; but also individuals, in need of love.
2. Settling for second best reminds me of what Adro talked about at RICE Revo: luke-warmness. Our Father has given us 'every spiritual gift' there is (Ephesians), and longs to amaze and love us.
May we let him do so.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Ramble#1
It's a scary thought how sensitive and emotional we are about terrible events that we are still suffering the after-effects from- for example, WWII and the holocaust, vowing 'never again'- and yet history has shown again and again that all this will soon fade away into more numbers and statistics and photos and insignificance.
If you don't believe me, just look further back.
We read of all the raping and pillaging some thousand years back with a sense of disdain/distaste, believing we have progressed very far, from 'back in the day'. Thus, their wars and struggles were insignificant- we are fighting much bigger battles nowadays, with the war against nuclear weapons, terrorists, etc.. But who is to say that any pain and suffering inflicted today is > (including in importance) any hurt inflicted in any point in history?
I argue that the emotional, physical and spiritual damage (and any other damage possible) is immeasurable- both quantitatively and qualitatively; thus, the above point holds true.
(To clarify and expand on that point, and as an example of how pain is relative to the individual's experience of it at a given point in time, take me for example. If I were to suddenly get my finger chopped off right now, I would probably feel as if I were experiencing the worst pain in the world. But perhaps just a month before, I had said the same thing of a stomach ache. My point being, us humans are very narrow minded; we can only see what's straight ahead in front of ourselves)
Yet, we seem to have forgotten all about it.
Okay I'm rambling. But I find it interesting to think about things. Perhaps I think too much.
If you don't believe me, just look further back.
We read of all the raping and pillaging some thousand years back with a sense of disdain/distaste, believing we have progressed very far, from 'back in the day'. Thus, their wars and struggles were insignificant- we are fighting much bigger battles nowadays, with the war against nuclear weapons, terrorists, etc.. But who is to say that any pain and suffering inflicted today is > (including in importance) any hurt inflicted in any point in history?
I argue that the emotional, physical and spiritual damage (and any other damage possible) is immeasurable- both quantitatively and qualitatively; thus, the above point holds true.
(To clarify and expand on that point, and as an example of how pain is relative to the individual's experience of it at a given point in time, take me for example. If I were to suddenly get my finger chopped off right now, I would probably feel as if I were experiencing the worst pain in the world. But perhaps just a month before, I had said the same thing of a stomach ache. My point being, us humans are very narrow minded; we can only see what's straight ahead in front of ourselves)
Yet, we seem to have forgotten all about it.
Okay I'm rambling. But I find it interesting to think about things. Perhaps I think too much.
Safe.
Why is admitting you're wrong considered a weakness?
Why, when some one admits that they're a screwed up, messed up person, does everyone immediately assume they're insecure/have self-esteem issues?
As a society, we are obsessed with the notion of 'standing up for oneself'; of self-worth and self-esteem. These are all great things. But don't you think this has all gone too far?
People will avoid blame at any cost. Admitting you're wrong has become something of a taboo.
'Standing your ground' is much 'cooler' and 'braver'.
It's actually quite ironic that admitting that you're a human that makes mistakes is much harder than inventing a whole web of lies. I mean, making mistakes is something we all do.
So, I believe admitting you're wrong is braver. You're humbled; you're vulnerable; you're stripped of all pretenses; you're you.
The first step.
Well, I admit I'm messed up. (And I admit I do feel insecure and worthless sometimes, too). But I believe there's hope, and strength out there that is not my own. And that He loves us, so incredibly much; so much so that I don't have to worry about being messed up anymore.
Sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I'm scared. Sometimes I feel terrible. Frustrated. Guilty. Honestly, I am weak and pitiful.
But let me never forget that the story does not end there (thank God!).
Why, when some one admits that they're a screwed up, messed up person, does everyone immediately assume they're insecure/have self-esteem issues?
As a society, we are obsessed with the notion of 'standing up for oneself'; of self-worth and self-esteem. These are all great things. But don't you think this has all gone too far?
People will avoid blame at any cost. Admitting you're wrong has become something of a taboo.
'Standing your ground' is much 'cooler' and 'braver'.
It's actually quite ironic that admitting that you're a human that makes mistakes is much harder than inventing a whole web of lies. I mean, making mistakes is something we all do.
So, I believe admitting you're wrong is braver. You're humbled; you're vulnerable; you're stripped of all pretenses; you're you.
The first step.
Well, I admit I'm messed up. (And I admit I do feel insecure and worthless sometimes, too). But I believe there's hope, and strength out there that is not my own. And that He loves us, so incredibly much; so much so that I don't have to worry about being messed up anymore.
Sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I'm scared. Sometimes I feel terrible. Frustrated. Guilty. Honestly, I am weak and pitiful.
But let me never forget that the story does not end there (thank God!).
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Daddy, You Break Me, Make Me.
Mess, mess, mess.
What am I but more mess?
Crumble.
---
I heard the sound of your first breath
A brand new life on your mother’s chest
A beating heart, expectant eyes
On the first day of your life
I saw you take your first step
And I watched you run with no regret
To chase your dreams and find true love
And the best is yet to come
So come with Me
I’ll show you life
Even better than this
Come with Me
I’ll show you love
You didn’t know could exist
Better than your first crush
Better than your first kiss
I’ll show you how to live
Remember how you felt from across the room
When you realized someone had eyes for you
And the way your heart sang cuz you believed
You were worth something
So come with me
I’ll show you life
Even better than this
Come with me
I’ll show you love
You didn’t know could exist
Better than your first crush
Better than your first kiss
I’ll show you how to live
Oh, I’ll show you how to live
Cuz I created your heart
That makes you feel
I am the love that makes it real
Oh, I am the One, I’m the One, I’m the One
I am the One, I’m the One, I’m the One
So come with Me
I’ll show you life
Even better than this
Come with Me
I’ll show you love
You didn’t know could exist
Better than your first crush
Better than your first kiss
I’ll show you how to live
Cause I am the One, I’m the One, I’m the One
I am the one, I’m the One, I’m the One
---
I'm trying, I'm trying.
Haha my nose is red now; my eyes glazed over xD. I look funny :).
What am I but more mess?
Crumble.
---
I heard the sound of your first breath
A brand new life on your mother’s chest
A beating heart, expectant eyes
On the first day of your life
I saw you take your first step
And I watched you run with no regret
To chase your dreams and find true love
And the best is yet to come
So come with Me
I’ll show you life
Even better than this
Come with Me
I’ll show you love
You didn’t know could exist
Better than your first crush
Better than your first kiss
I’ll show you how to live
Remember how you felt from across the room
When you realized someone had eyes for you
And the way your heart sang cuz you believed
You were worth something
So come with me
I’ll show you life
Even better than this
Come with me
I’ll show you love
You didn’t know could exist
Better than your first crush
Better than your first kiss
I’ll show you how to live
Oh, I’ll show you how to live
Cuz I created your heart
That makes you feel
I am the love that makes it real
Oh, I am the One, I’m the One, I’m the One
I am the One, I’m the One, I’m the One
So come with Me
I’ll show you life
Even better than this
Come with Me
I’ll show you love
You didn’t know could exist
Better than your first crush
Better than your first kiss
I’ll show you how to live
Cause I am the One, I’m the One, I’m the One
I am the one, I’m the One, I’m the One
---
I'm trying, I'm trying.
Haha my nose is red now; my eyes glazed over xD. I look funny :).
Sunday, July 18, 2010
"I Will Go"
The slightest hint of a smile tugs at the corner of my lips.
I will not stop you.
Go, go, go out there, where you belong.
Let me not become a hindrance.
I will not stop you.
Go, go, go out there, where you belong.
Let me not become a hindrance.
Not Helpful.
Ahhhhh.
Sorry I shouldn't have.
Please forgive me.
What was I thinking?
I thought I had my eyes wide open; I do believe they were.
I fell asleep with my eyes open.
Sorry I shouldn't have.
Please forgive me.
What was I thinking?
I thought I had my eyes wide open; I do believe they were.
I fell asleep with my eyes open.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
How He Loves Us
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.
Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves so.
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way
That he loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves
He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves
Cause He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves
Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.
Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves so.
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way
That he loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves
He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves
Cause He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves
Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves
Friday, July 16, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
What I'm Giving Up
I don't know- can you really count it as 'giving up'?
I mean, it's so petty.
Really.
In light of all you've done, and all you continue to do, and will do.
I don't know.
In the world's eyes, I'm a failure. I have completely failed my duty as daughter, sister, friend, student, etc.
But somehow, I am still of infinite worth to you.
Hmm. This is hard to comprehend.
So thankyou for disciplining me.
You know it breaks my heart, but it's what pure and what's good, and it's not about me at all.
Thankyou for working through me, in me and in spite of me.
I mean, it's so petty.
Really.
In light of all you've done, and all you continue to do, and will do.
I don't know.
In the world's eyes, I'm a failure. I have completely failed my duty as daughter, sister, friend, student, etc.
But somehow, I am still of infinite worth to you.
Hmm. This is hard to comprehend.
So thankyou for disciplining me.
You know it breaks my heart, but it's what pure and what's good, and it's not about me at all.
Thankyou for working through me, in me and in spite of me.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Price Ceilings and Floors
I wish with all my heart that my heart would follow my head.
Somehow give in, from being unnecessarily sentimental and stubborn.
But there still remains a huge discrepancy; a gap if you were to graph the two. A discontinuous graph haha.
So how to fill it up?
In economics, in the context of a supply and demand curve, if you don't like where the supply and demand meet, at equilibrium, you can easily adjust that by setting price floors or ceilings.
Like a bridge between the two, forcing them to meet.
I guess, here, the same thing can be applied.
After all, price floors and ceilings are simply restrictions set by the government.
So in the same way, I need to guard my heart, while at the same time making sure my thoughts remain pure. Make sure neither venture where they should not.
Then can something beautiful happen.
Sure, there will be some sort of shortfall or overabundance of stock, at first. But in the end, everything will balance out, to create a more efficient allocation of resources in the economy!
Yay!
Somehow give in, from being unnecessarily sentimental and stubborn.
But there still remains a huge discrepancy; a gap if you were to graph the two. A discontinuous graph haha.
So how to fill it up?
In economics, in the context of a supply and demand curve, if you don't like where the supply and demand meet, at equilibrium, you can easily adjust that by setting price floors or ceilings.
Like a bridge between the two, forcing them to meet.
I guess, here, the same thing can be applied.
After all, price floors and ceilings are simply restrictions set by the government.
So in the same way, I need to guard my heart, while at the same time making sure my thoughts remain pure. Make sure neither venture where they should not.
Then can something beautiful happen.
Sure, there will be some sort of shortfall or overabundance of stock, at first. But in the end, everything will balance out, to create a more efficient allocation of resources in the economy!
Yay!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
I Don't Care I Don't Care; All I Need Is You.
I don't know what you're doing;
it hurts it hurts it hurts.
But no matter what you're doing,
no matter how much it hurts,
I only ask that you not withhold yourself from me.
It hurts sosososo muchly
how it seems like you're silent
or maybe I just can't see you.
I don't know what it is.
But Daddy, I don't care-
as long as you're with me.
You tell me to count the costs.
Well, everything fades away in comparison;
If only I had You;
If only all I had was You.
See, every step I take now is painful- I am holding on to the things of this world.
I want to give it all up for You.
Then, may I delight in all of You.
it hurts it hurts it hurts.
But no matter what you're doing,
no matter how much it hurts,
I only ask that you not withhold yourself from me.
It hurts sosososo muchly
how it seems like you're silent
or maybe I just can't see you.
I don't know what it is.
But Daddy, I don't care-
as long as you're with me.
You tell me to count the costs.
Well, everything fades away in comparison;
If only I had You;
If only all I had was You.
See, every step I take now is painful- I am holding on to the things of this world.
I want to give it all up for You.
Then, may I delight in all of You.
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